Asthenia, the world, and me

When you feel sick but nobody believes you (even doctors and family), what do you do?

I am always tired. And by "tired" I mean the "my eyes close, my back hurts, my head pounds and my legs won't hold me" kind of thing at 11am, just because I've already exhausted the energy allotted for that day. There's days when I lay down in bed a few hours before I can actually go to sleep and cry silently because of how worn out I am.

I am that tired.

Sadly, I can't tell people. At best, they'll look at me with pity and stay silent, and I'll see clearly in that gaze what they think. At worst, they say clearly what they think, with a slightly shocked and disgusted voice and a headshake.

"That's bullshit, nobody feels like that. You are just lazy." which basically translates to "I don't believe you, and, anyway if it was true, it'd just mean you are unfit for life. Stop whining and try harder."

Do you know what's worse than feeling like a car trying to run on an empty tank? Feeling just like that all while hearing people say you are either a liar or meant for the scrapyard. It's particularly hurtful when it's professionals or family. By now, after nearly three decades of feeling like that, I should be used to my relatives and closest friends making comments like "Yeah, we know, you were born tired" or "Good grief, OM, you're aaaaaalways exhaaaaausted" with an eye-roll and a sigh. I am not. And I am certainly not used to doctors giving me that look, that sigh, that "Just be more active".

Add depression and anxiety to the mix, and you've got one particular kind of hell.

So I try to do more, to fulfill other people's expectations of how I should be and do... and it backfires in the most horrendous way. I've spent days in bed, nauseated and with a fever, all my body hurting, because of over-exhaustion. 

But I'm not going to do it any more.

I know my limits, small as they are. I know my pain, my sadness, my strength. If they think I am a bore, so be it. If they want to leave me because of how I don't conform to their ideas of me and my abilities, so be it. But I am not going to get sicker because they want me to pretend I am not sick to begin with.

My body has a different battery life than others', so what? I am not going to apologize for it. That would be like apologizing for being born a brunette. I am much more than the energy I am allotted each day, I am tons more than the labels they want to stick to me (whether they are "lazy" or "liar" or "weak" or "whiny" or "broken").

I am me and I am tired, and the world can deal with it. 

Oath's mom