A mother's Oath: Finding the center

Pretending you are a functional member of society when you're really just stumbling along in the darkness is exhausting. Admitting I can't do it (at least not now), though, is much harder, and so I keep putting that facade on and making believe I are actually fine and dandy. "No, really, it's all going okay!" *twitch* *twitch* *shiver*

Because of that, and plenty of other reasons, I've always been a very introverted person: you don't need to pretend or explain yourself when there's no other people around. Sadly, it's got to a point where not even that works, because I've started to ask myself for explanations. This has led to a deeper search, the search of a place where I can be me without pretending, not in front of others and not in front of myself, but how do you get away from yourself? Is there even a way?

The answer came to me often, but I wasn't brave enough to pursue it: meditation. How do you meditate? Will I meditate right? How embarrassing if it turns out I can't do it! I'd better not try, just in case...

Finally, though, I found a way. It was just a matter of realizing that you can meditate, search for your center, in multiple ways, and that I was lucky enough to know one where I was good: drawing. I am not a genius, mind you, but I know my way around with a pencil in my hand, and that gave me a very needed first push.

The notebook. Some say shabby, I say hand-made.

Now, every day, I take some time to sit down with my free-time notebook (which I made myself just to make it a little bit more special and a little bit less perfect) and try to find my center with each stroke of the pen, each circle, each dot.

Centers blooming into star-shaped flowers....

Most of the time, I find it, and I stay there long enough to feel the weight of the world, of my anxiety, of my imperfections, lifted off my shoulders.