Sunday, July 15, 2012

My tribe and bear momma instinct

To me, there's nothing more precious than Oath.

I suppose this explains why I get so defensive when other people come close to him. Specially people who are not of "my tribe".

What do I mean by "my tribe"? I don't really know, but until now it seems to be the ones closer to me: part of my family, my partner and father of Oath (from now on, Partner), my closest friends. Curiously, those are also the people that I feel respect my role of primary caretaker of Oath, the ones that ask permission to hold him and that take care of me first. Of course, Partner does not ask for my permission to hold his son nor do I feel the need for him to do it, but you get the idea. 

And then, there are are the other people, the "outsiders".

Each and every stranger, people that I don't like in general... and my in-laws. I feel ferociously protective of my kid when my in-laws are near. I have to consciously restrain myself from taking Oath away from them: they are his grandparents, and have every right to hold him and love him. It's just that I don't feel okay when they do.
Why? I don't know. They are nice people, have never treated me wrong (although Partner's mom has the habit of saying with the best intention things she shouldn't say) and clearly adore the boy. I know they won't do anything that could harm him, and not only I know it: I feel like they won't. But, nonetheless, every time I have to hand him down to them I would like to scream and hold him tight again my chest.

A misguided bear momma instinct, I'd say.

It is so hard to let him with others and step back, trying to not show how uneasy I am. A knot tightens in my chest, and it hurts. I want to scream until they give him back to me, but I don't.
I think that's the point, that I don't. At least, not with my in-laws. This motherhood thing is also teaching me self-restraint, who would have said it?

So, if you are a new mom too, feel this way and feel troubled for feeling it: you are not alone. I am there, too, fighting it and not knowing if I should pay attention to this instinct or not, and constantly battering myself for being such a bear momma.

Rest assured, though, that it's because we love our kids so much.

Oath's Mom

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