Letter to my son

Dear Oath,

You are sleeping, so calm and relaxed, while I sit here and miss you. You are not even two rooms away and there's a hole in my chest with your shape, and it aches. Every second you are away, every beat that I'm not holding you, it stings. But you know what? It also hurts when you are near but just want to scream, when I think that I could well use a few hours by myself. Yes, my love, I am THAT mom.

I am the mom that can't stop kissing your cheeks, that keeps on hugging you, telling you she loves you. Every day, every hour, every second. It doesn't matter if there's people around, family or strangers, I am the mom that pours her love on you all the time.
I am the mom that, when you are napping, checks on you every few minutes, and each time stays for a while watching you sleep. I am the one that listens to your breathing, that bends until her face is about to touch yours. And then, my son, then I smile, because I feel your warmth on my lids and your sighs on my nose.
I am the mom that sleeps by your side, every night, the one that can't imagine sleeping in any other room. I am the mom that goes to bed and the first thing she does is snuggle up beside you and holding your hand, or she can't sleep. I am the mom that would rather have you sleeping on her chest than sleeping in any other room. I am the one that stays awake if you are not there.

But, my little Oath, I am also the mom that is about to break down. The mom that wants to cry when you start screaming, the one that wishes it was easier, that you were an easy-going baby. I am the one that hides under the sheets when you wake up in the mornings, too early for a night owl like her.

I am the one that wishes so much you would stop kicking and scratching and biting when you feed, you restless nurse, but I am also the mom who hasn't even thought of weaning you yet.

I am the mom that cries because she needs some time alone, and also the one that when she's alone she spends the minutes wishing you were there.

I am the mom that does not know where she is, or where she is going, but I don't mind as long as you're with me in this journey. I am the one that wishes the day you will want to leave my side and live your life alone will never come.
And I pray, my baby, that when that day comes (because it will, it always does) you will decide to stay with me for just a little longer, while I repeat, one more time, the deepest truth of all:


I love you.

Oath's mom