Thursday, March 3, 2016

Finding the center

Pretending you are a functional member of society when you're really just stumbling along in the darkness is exhausting. Admitting I can't do it (at least not now), though, is much harder, and so I keep putting that facade on and making believe I are actually fine and dandy. "No, really, it's all going okay!" *twitch* *twitch* *shiver*

Because of that, and plenty of other reasons, I've always been a very introverted person: you don't need to pretend or explain yourself when there's no other people around. Sadly, it's got to a point where not even that works, because I've started to ask myself for explanations. This has led to a deeper search, the search of a place where I can be me without pretending, not in front of others and not in front of myself, but how do you get away from yourself? Is there even a way?

The answer came to me often, but I wasn't brave enough to pursue it: meditation. How do you meditate? Will I meditate right? How embarrassing if it turns out I can't do it! I'd better not try, just in case...
Finally, though, I found a way. It was just a matter of realizing that you can meditate, search for your center, in multiple ways, and that I was lucky enough to know one where I was good: drawing. I am not a genius, mind you, but I know my way around with a pencil in my hand, and that gave me a very needed first push.

The notebook. Some say shabby, I say hand-made.

Now, every day, I take some time to sit down with my free-time notebook (which I made myself just to make it a little bit more special and a little bit less perfect) and try to find my center with each stroke of the pen, each circle, each dot.

Centers blooming into star-shaped flowers....

Most of the time, I find it, and I stay there long enough to feel the weight of the world, of my anxiety, of my imperfections, lifted off my shoulders.

...or just shapes, becoming something bigger.
Sometimes, Oath joins me and the result is brighter and quite more unexpected.

Oath's mom


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...