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I have mentioned a few times I am on a diet to gain weight, but haven't explained much more about it. Now that I'm a bit more confident about the way I am walking this path I think it's time to share it with all of you. Because, maybe, it'll turn out I am not alone and that some of you can relate.
Before continuing, I feel the need to say that no, I do not have any eating disorder. Many people assume I do because I am skinny, but the truth is that, simply, I am skinny. I have always been. My sisters are skinny too, and my dad, and his grandfather before him, and probably a whole host of our ancestors. It is genetics, I know it, but that doesn't make it much easier.
What I do have, though, is a rather odd relationship with food.
I don't like eating, you see. There's food I love (Nutella, the Taiwanese sauce, Oreos, pesto sauce...) but eating itself... no. I'd rather be sleeping, or having a hot shower, or reading a book, than eating. It feels like a hassle, unless it's one of the foods I crave. So I guess that this is one of the reasons why I am on this journey. Because, when you don't enjoy something, you forget about it more often than if you do, don't you? Menu planning has helped me a lot, because when I didn't I would stare blankly at the fridge because nothing appealed to me, but it hasn't been enough.
The truth is I didn't mind. I didn't mind being skinny, I didn't mind having to plan a menu to know what to eat, I didn't mind not liking most of foods. I've been like this all my life, so it's my normal. I ate, maintained my weight, and was healthy, so why worry?
The problem came with the kid. I gained steadily during my pregnancy, and the doctors never worried. Most clothes kept on fitting me, and I had to buy less than 10 pieces of clothing during all my pregnancy. Then I had Oath, and started breastfeeding, and the 33 pounds I gained went slowly away.
And when I was not looking 11 pounds more were gone, too.
I started being more aware of what I was eating, but I kept loosing weight. I started worrying, because I felt I was eating a lot. And, to prove it, I spend 10 days counting calories. The result? I was eating an average of more than 2500kCals a day (some days as many as 3600!) when, according to all the calorie calculators, 1800 should be enough to maintain my weight while breastfeeding. No wonder I felt like I was eating enough! But, still, my weight was not budging. I stopped loosing (and it was high time!), but that was all I managed to achieve.
It's a hard journey, I guess like the one to loose weight. I might be facing health issues if I do not find a way to make this work. So, I need to gain weight. And, while I am at it, I need to learn to enjoy eating.